13:7:18 Other-ness

If vacation has taught me anything. 

It’s that he’s just one boy. There are other worlds, other lives.. other-ness

13:7:15 No Regrets

I’m glad I messaged him. I don’t regret it like I gave in. And we almost had a bit going too.

But it’s over, all of it. 

And I need to learn how to let it go.. 

—–

 

10:19:11Still Around

I’ve been talking to him still.

A message back and forth every few hours on facebook. It’s nice. I’m glad I’m not texting or I’d go back to my old ways. I can’t decide what I feel about it.. I still check it to see if he responded but not a psychotic check like before. I guess I could end the conversation easily, but I kinda still want to know about his life.

I am texting two other boys, here and there. But it’s not the same. That’s how I know I’m not limiting myself for him. So he can have someone to talk to and I just look less needy. I try not to be obnoxiously flirty, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still find him attractive. However thankfully, his profile picture is not at all attractive which helps a tons! We’ll see, we’ll see. I’m glad we’re talking here and there though. It’s easier for things to die out, rather than a complete halt.

8:19:07 Let Go

I didn’t answer his Hows Your Life question. I didn’t ask another question so he’d have to answer.. I just answered his one question and then stopped myself. Maybe ill ask additionally when im bored or lonely, which I still am.

But I know I cant go back to those memories. I know it will never be the same. I know I should let go.

8:1:14 Her

Theres a chance. There’s a chance I’ll be okay. My emotions are up and they’re down. Knowing that it needed to happen doesnt make it any better. I was attached. However this isnt at all new..

However there may be a chance he replaced her. I wanted her to be my best friend forever. I wanted her to be my sister. And when I lost her or when I couldn’t take it any longer. The not being there when I needed her. The personality.  The friendship that didnt exist. The excuses I gave myself for her. Well, I had to let her go.

And there he was. Singing his oh so sweet lullabies to cheer me up. In a way he replaced her, and that wasn’t fair. He was only supposed to be the guy I was dating.

He became the guy I was dating. Nothing more, nothing less.

Attachment. Sadness. Acceptance. No regret. Not yet. Not for today at least.

6:7:47 Valentine’s Day

Stopping myself from messaging you twice in a row was the hardest thing I had to do… ever

5:7:16 Alone

First night I think Ill be sleeping without him. Sleeping alone tonight.

5:4:46 Void

Well all of my decisions and thoughts were wrong. Tried texting a new boy to fill the void. Nope, all I want to do is talk to him.

5:5:12 Soft

It’s not his shirt. But we bought it together…it’s the amount of soft I need for today.

 

…………………..

I left his elsewhere.

4:16:46 Wrong/ Attachment

I was wrong. 

This is me grieving. Pretending you never happened. Pretending this never happened. You did. He did. 

——–

I tried talking to another boy. Exchanged numbers and everything. Figuring out how to make him my rebound. And failing. Failing miserably. I still want you. He texts weird. He doesn’t understand my humor. I can’t text 5 separate thoughts all at one time. I can’t even pretend that he’s you. 

——–

Because it’s not as if you’re dead or anything. I could still text you. I could scowl through my email and find your number to text you a simple hello. Waiting for you to respond. And if you don’t – then … then you don’t respond. And my grieving will actually start. Binge watching Grey’s Anatomy and crying my eyes out like what’s happening right now.

But if you do respond.. No, it will be equally worse. Then I’ll know I can still talk to you. And eventually down the road see myself drunk texting or even worse drunk dialing. And be utterly embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Of my pride. 

——–

The smile I get when you text me..irreboundable..irreplacable