23:21:29 Lost Along the Way

Copywright Evan Ludes

20:21:35 Tweener

Nope. Nope, can’t do it. Tweener’s may be for me, but this one is not. 

2nd most uncomfortable date, ever. 

What am I doing with my life? 

16:1:35 Innocence

I teared up a little after it happened Saturday night. 

It’s not like I took him for granted or anything when we were together but after it happened, it reminded me what it’s supposed to feel like. Safe. Taken care of. 

I feel like I lost something Saturday night. And now I’m sad about it because I don’t know if I’ll be able to get it back. Also I can’t decipher what even is, was. I feel ashamed and terribly embarrassed. All my friends say yolo, but I can’t.

—- 

 

13:7:18 Other-ness

If vacation has taught me anything. 

It’s that he’s just one boy. There are other worlds, other lives.. other-ness

13:7:15 No Regrets

I’m glad I messaged him. I don’t regret it like I gave in. And we almost had a bit going too.

But it’s over, all of it. 

And I need to learn how to let it go.. 

—–

 

10:19:11Still Around

I’ve been talking to him still.

A message back and forth every few hours on facebook. It’s nice. I’m glad I’m not texting or I’d go back to my old ways. I can’t decide what I feel about it.. I still check it to see if he responded but not a psychotic check like before. I guess I could end the conversation easily, but I kinda still want to know about his life.

I am texting two other boys, here and there. But it’s not the same. That’s how I know I’m not limiting myself for him. So he can have someone to talk to and I just look less needy. I try not to be obnoxiously flirty, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still find him attractive. However thankfully, his profile picture is not at all attractive which helps a tons! We’ll see, we’ll see. I’m glad we’re talking here and there though. It’s easier for things to die out, rather than a complete halt.

8:19:07 Let Go

I didn’t answer his Hows Your Life question. I didn’t ask another question so he’d have to answer.. I just answered his one question and then stopped myself. Maybe ill ask additionally when im bored or lonely, which I still am.

But I know I cant go back to those memories. I know it will never be the same. I know I should let go.

8:1:14 Her

Theres a chance. There’s a chance I’ll be okay. My emotions are up and they’re down. Knowing that it needed to happen doesnt make it any better. I was attached. However this isnt at all new..

However there may be a chance he replaced her. I wanted her to be my best friend forever. I wanted her to be my sister. And when I lost her or when I couldn’t take it any longer. The not being there when I needed her. The personality.  The friendship that didnt exist. The excuses I gave myself for her. Well, I had to let her go.

And there he was. Singing his oh so sweet lullabies to cheer me up. In a way he replaced her, and that wasn’t fair. He was only supposed to be the guy I was dating.

He became the guy I was dating. Nothing more, nothing less.

Attachment. Sadness. Acceptance. No regret. Not yet. Not for today at least.

6:7:47 Valentine’s Day

Stopping myself from messaging you twice in a row was the hardest thing I had to do… ever

5:7:16 Alone

First night I think Ill be sleeping without him. Sleeping alone tonight.